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I,ve Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £100 .......
Do you think it's 2 Deer ??!!
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Two Cows in a field one says to the other --(1)"that mad cow's disease is bad is'nt it ?"
(2)"Wont affect me.....'cause I'm a duck' !
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TWO COWS !!
>>>SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows, and the State makes you give one to your neighbour.
>>>COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
>>>FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
>>>NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
>>>BUREAUCRACY
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then
throws the milk away...
>>>SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.
>>>TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies,
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
>>>AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has
dropped dead.
>>>A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the
roads, because you want three cows.
>>>A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a
clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
>>>A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.
>>>AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have
lunch.
>>>A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows.. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.
>>>A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners
for storing them.
>>>CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you
have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the
newsman who reported the real situation.
>>>AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
>>>IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy....
>>>AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and
go for a few beers to celebrate
>>>A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk
them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the
government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the
cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under
health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that
is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy
to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4
kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift
the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC
approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you
have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the
mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the
cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you sod all
for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what
they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful
they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows
are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the
rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their
mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really,
really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker
and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a
villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is
a tenth the cost of milk at home.
CHESHIRE CONTRACTING 4 x4 AND COMMERCIALS
To view more details & prices of any vehicle please telephone Richard on 07885 193278, We are based in Warrington Cheshire But can Deliver throughout the UK.
Cheshire Archeologists have un-earthed the skeleton of what appears to be the first 'Minister Of Agriculture. (See unusual bone structure--left.)
2 Irish Farmers Paddy & Mick were amazed that all their cows had got 'Blue-Tongue' . In a television interview Paddy said " We did'nt even know they had mobile phones !!"
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...................Two Cows Standing together in a field, one tells the other "I was artificially inseminated this morning"--"I dont believe you" says the second cow, " It's True.. No Bull. "
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...........Devon Farmer...
A Man Owned A Small Farm In Devon.
The Devon Labour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
' Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer
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How the Greek Bailout works.....
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village in his BMW, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner, he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs, in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys, and as soon as the visitor has turned the stairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note, and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The head honcho at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.
At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt, and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.....
EUROZONE FINALLY WE'VE WORKED IT OUT !!!!