Jokes

Australian Hilux Commercial

2 Irish Farmers Paddy & Mick were amazed that all their cows had got 'Blue-Tongue' . In a television interview Paddy said " We didn't even know they had mobile phones !!"

 

Two Cows Standing together in a field, one tells the other "I was artificially inseminated this morning"--"I dont believe you" says the second cow, " It's True.. No Bull. "

Devon Farmer


A Man Owned A Small Farm In Devon.
The Devon Labour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent. 
' Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

I've Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £100.......
Do you think it's 2 Deer ??!!

Two Cows in a field one says to the other

(1)"that mad cow's disease is bad isn't it ?"
(2)"Wont affect me.....'cause I'm a duck'!

Two Cows


>>>SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows, and the State makes you give one to your neighbour.


>>>COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.


>>>FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.


>>>NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.


>>>BUREAUCRACY
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...


>>>SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


>>>TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


>>>AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


>>>A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


>>>A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


>>>A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


>>>AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.


>>>A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


>>>A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.


>>>CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.


>>>AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.


>>>IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy....


>>>AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate


>>>A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety.

 

You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley.

 

The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you sod all for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you.

 

Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they.

 

You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home.

 

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VANS